Tomorrow night is a big night for us lovers of reality television.
For those of you not steeped in the beautiful mess that is Bravo, Vanderpump Rules—the Citizen Kane of unscripted television that features West Hollywood restaurant workers—is airing its first episode in the Post-Scandoval era. Those Pumptini fueled maniacs will never be the same!
Needless to say, this is my Super Bowl, and if your eyes are preemptively glazing over in preparation of my exhaustive examination of Raquel Leviss’s $750 lightning bolt necklace, now you know how I feel about the ACTUAL Super Bowl.1
I promise not to bore you with the details of who was doing what with whom while Ariana was grieving the tragic passing of her beloved dog Charlotte. Those discussions belong in the DMs and my DMs are open to all searching for a kindred spirit in these unprecedented times.
Instead, I’m celebrating Reality TV in all its forms as it is one of the last genres of modern television that can cut through the one million streamers and create a true Water-Cooler TV moment. Because even if you never wanted to know about a pseudo-restaurateur, his most-extra cover band, or his general sexual proclivities, the world—and Howie Mandel—has forced you to sit up and take notice.
With Scandoval, I didn’t need the CNN ticker to clue me in on the matter, because I was already on the scene. I was there! I never left!
I was a very early convert to reality and over the years have remained so dedicated to the work that my Instagram bio lists “reality television historian” as one of my primary attributes. I’ve followed The Bachelor since Alex Michel and, most notably, watched Luke P. declare his love for Hannah B. during the competition portion of a group date while in ACTIVE labor with my son. That is how dedicated I am to my study of the form!2
I love reality television SO much, that I couldn’t help but sprinkle little easter eggs and references throughout my upcoming debut, Four Weekends and a Funeral (please add to your Goodreads TBR if you haven’t yet!).
Now, is every reality season a winner? Not really. I actively deter friends from jumping into certain shows that, while still appointment viewing for me, are well past their peak. Still, I tune in episode after episode, season after season, because even at its most meh, reality television has the power to make people talk to each other. And my favorite thing to talk about is what everyone else is talking about.
And what a rich text these shows can be for conversation! There is no quicker route to the core of a Housewives fan than by asking about their favorite city. For Love Is Blind devotees: which side do they fall in the Zenab v. Cole Cutie Kerfuffle? Islanders, who's the greatest couple to come out of Love Island and why is it Tommy and Molly Mae?3
But at the end of the day, reality television continues to serve me and all of my other Gemini Chaos Monsters4 what we truly want: low stakes gossip about people we don’t know.
If you’re not watching Bravo tomorrow night, I’m happy for you and the hours you haven’t filled with adults arguing at top volume about what was and was not “about the pasta.”5
But if you are, know you are not alone and that I look forward to snarking with you about our favorite dysfunctional friends: Lisa, Ariana, Katie, Lala, Scheana, James, Tom, Tom, Rachel, and whoever this Charli character is.
But if you are looking for “The Truth Behind Raquel’s Lightning Bolt Necklace”…
Has there ever been a more iconic Bachelor moment than Hannah moving that podium? I’m sorry, but Hannah Brown’s season was the Last Great Bachelor Season. For you Peter Weber girlies out there, I ask you to look into your hearts and ask, “yes, Peter’s season was good, but was it Great?”
Before you come after me, I haven’t watched the Ekin-Su and Davide season yet. I know, I know, but Love Island is hard to stay on top of!! It’s a lot of TV. My reality strengths lie elsewhere.
I know very little about astrology, except that I’m a Gemini and to my friends that know a lot about astrology, this is obvious.
WAS it about the pasta??? See for yourself.